Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
