smell my finger.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize