Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
