so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
