Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I wish I only lived at night.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
