So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
