I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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