I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
