dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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