I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
