i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
