I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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