i love accidental penises.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
