oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
