A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize