I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
