I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think I have vodka in my lungs
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
