Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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