We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
