When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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