I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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