Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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