where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
