I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
