So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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