i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
