I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
