I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
