I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
