bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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