Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
