Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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