You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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