Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
