I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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