Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
