i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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