I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
