those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
