Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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