Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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