i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
