Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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