I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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