Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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