I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
