You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
