Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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