does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
