i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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