If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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