U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
