Cold hands, warm shart.
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
