Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
