I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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