there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
