I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
