I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize