i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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