I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
