im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
