He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
