I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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