Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
