I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
even my farts smell like vagina
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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