I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
